Truth
by RoryReneeMercedees
Summary: Falling, slipping, breaking. Severus Snape watches as the boy of the girl he loves grows up. He'll never forget the mother, her beautiful eyes, her quick wit, her death... He'll never forget.
1. Chapter 1

**an: I just finished the Harry Potter series and thought I'd write something for it... for those who have read my other stories, I'm sorry that I haven't updated them... I might also write something about Ginny and Harry... I like them together but something about Severus and Lily struck me the most... Don't get me wrong, I love James and Lily but poor Severus... Anyways, here goes... let me know if I have the characters correct although there wasn't much for me to base upon. Enjoy!  
**  
In his sleep, Severus Snape was brought back to a different time. A time when he was happy. A time where he was an innocent boy.

_He was sitting with Lily under the tree. They were working on homework. Well, actually Lily was working on her homework and Severus was staring at her. He had loved her since he had first seen her. She was beautiful and her powers showed that. She was a powerful witch but that wasn't what attracted him to her. She had a modest, sweet, and caring nature. Just one look in her emerald eyes and you could see the beauty, the kindness, and caring soul that was Lily's._

It wasn't just Severus who saw it, everybody did. Every guy in their right mind had taken an interest in Lily Evans. Most gave up after awhile, finding that her love was for everyone and not just one. Only two guys seemed to stay persistent in the chase of Lily Evans and those two guys happen to be enemies, James Potter and Severus Snape.

Just then, James Potter walked up to them. Severus glared and pulled out his wand. He simply HATED Potter. Lily looked up with mild interest. Severus had to bite back the pain that stabbed at his heart when her face brightened and she smiled at him.

"Lilies for my dear Lily." he simply said before leaving.

"He fancies you, you know. I won't allow it! I will not allow you to- to..." Severus trailed off not finishing the sentence he didn't dare speak out loud.

"You said this already." she stated rather dryly.

Severus knew he was losing her to him. But it was weird. One second he seemed to be losing to James and the next he seemed to be winning. He didn't understand it. It was like Lily was fighting herself... Like Lily didn't know what she wanted... But in the end all of them knew who would win. It would be Potter. As much as Severus liked to blame it on how popular Potter was or how Potter was the star of the Quiditch team, he knew that wasn't the reason. In the end it came down to one thing. And that was the side they were on. James was a rebel but he was a good, kind-hearted man. Severus was a wanna be death eater. That's what set them apart and that's why he knew he'd lose. Lily, his Lily, was good. There was no one more pure-hearted then her. And that's why Severus Snape knew he'd never win Lily Evans. That didn't stop him from trying, oh no, far from that. It just stopped him from hoping.

"And I meant every word of it." he said in a cold voice.

"He's not as bad as you think. You don't know-"

He cut her off. "Don't tell me I don't know. I know enough. He's trouble." And after he said it, he regretted it. If anyone was trouble, it was him not Potter and they both knew it.

"Maybe I like trouble." she said. Was she flirting with him or did she really believe that Saint Potter was trouble. Yeah, the kid played a couple of pranks but there were worse things then that. And Severus had done those things.

"Yeah?" He questioned. Still unsure about if she was flirting or not.

"Yup." She leaned in, close to Severus's face and then jumped back as if on fire. Her eyes betrayed her confusion and he let her run away.

'Back to her dormitory. Where Potter can get to her.' he thought rather surly. 

---

_  
_Severus Snape woke up. He fought back the tears that threatened to fall from his eyes. He tried to force all thought of Lily out of his head. She was gone. She's never coming back. And even if she did, she didn't choose him. The thought killed him... In the end, Severus Snape would never win.

He looked at his watch, it was 7:30. Time to get up. Time to teach his stupid potions class. Time to teach Potter's son. But he was also Lily's... That much made Severus love Harry as much as he hated him. And for that and that alone, no one would lay a hand on Harry. No one would harm him in any way. Severus and Albus had made sure of that.

---

**So what do you think?? Should I continue? Did I capture the character's correctly... Let me know!! Review are love!!!**


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: I know I have other stories that I have to update but I wanted to write another chapter for poor Severus... I'm trying to find a happy ending for him but all I can think of is bitter-sweetness... I guess its best to let the character's direct the story, not me... Anyways thanks to those who reviewed, it meant a lot to me. And thank you Pumpernickel for your opinion on James. It put a new light on how I thought of James... I'm not quite sure where he stands right now so this chapter won't have much of James... And I have a question, should I add a Harry/Severus scene or a Albus/Severus scene? Enjoy!  
**  
"Silence." Professor Snape said. And that's what he got. Very few people had the guts to say anything in his classroom. Harry Potter and his friends excluded from this.

In almost everyone else's opinion Potter was more like his mother but to Severus, he only saw James. The only thing that he saw of Lily in Harry was his eyes. No one could deny that Harry had his mother's beautiful emerald green eyes.

"The ingredients for the potion you will be making today are on the board. Get started and for those of you continually fail to misread the directions," he glanced at Potter, " I suggest they learn quickly learn from their mistakes."

Snape paced around the room examining the students' work. Granger was good at just about every potion he threw at her and it was getting harder and harder to ignore he talent._ 'She's a mudblood'_ Somewhere inside of him hissed. And he winced at the name, making Crabbe jump and look at him dumbly.

Potter managed to do well today and get the potion correctly until Draco Malfoy managed to ruin it, _again._ The Malfoy's were friends of his and he didn't mind a little torment towards Potter every now and then, so he turned a blind eye on it and blamed everything on Harry,_ again. _

The day dragged on for Severus and it was still nowhere near being done. He still had to grade those mundane essays he had assigned. He sighed and began reading the first essay. Hermione Granger was there in her loopy handwriting. He graded her paper as hard as he could and yet, he still found it hard to give her the grade he had wanted to.

"You have to face it Severus, she's brilliant." Minerva had walked in, and saw the paper he was grading and the scowl that was fixed upon his face.

"She's a know-it-all who spends too much time in her books."

"Yet, she was the only one who figured out your werewolf hints when Remus taught her. And without her I'm not sure what Mr. Weasley and Mr. Potter would do. They are both bright, no doubt, but the situations they have been put in the last years has required a more demanding intellect then your average bright teenager posses. Miss Granger has it and as much as you hate it, you must live with it. Stop grading her homework unfairly or I will have a word with Albus on her behalf."

"And I suppose you are going to say I treat Potter unfairly, too. Tell me how awful I am. Minerva, that's where I draw the line. You don't know anything about the Potter's compared to me. I treat my students how I see fit. It is not your place to judge how I treat them." Severus said coldly.

"Severus, I was merely pointing out that - "

"Leave." He commanded. She dutifully obeyed.

Severus continued to grade the essays. He may have changed sides but old hatreds still cursed through his veins.

---

Severus wanted nothing but a bit of dreamless rest. His dreams were tormenting him. They were ripping his soul out piece by piece. He couldn't stand for it anymore. He had miserable for a long time now! When would it end!!

_"Severus Snape don't you dare tell me what to do!" Lily Evans voice rang through the corridor._

"How can you be going out with him? He's- He's a pathetic mud-"

"And so am I!" Screamed Lily.

Severus was in a huff. It was bad enough when he had to compete with Potter, whom he hated, but other random guys, too. Would it ever get easy? What happened to guys sweeping girls off their feet?

"Lily, I'm sorry. I said that without thinking. Its just I don't think you should go out with him. I don't like him."

"Because he's a mudblood." She stated rather harshly. Lily Evans was beyond anger and Severus couldn't have found her more attractive. But those thoughts he would keep to himself.

"No because he's... not... er... right for you." Severus finally managed. "I don't want you going out with him."

"Going out with who?" Potter came up to them and for once Severus was a relived to see him. But then he caught himself. He'd rather some mundane mudblood have Lily than James.

"Tom Flynn." Lily answered.

"The Ravenclaw? Why?" James asked just as confused as Severus.

"I never thought I'd say this but I agree with Severus. He's not right for you. I do not say this for selfish reasons. And neither does Severus." He glanced at Severus. They agreed on few things and but there were some things they could not help but agree upon: Lily could not date Tom, Lily was perfect, and one of them would end up with Lily.

James walked away. Just then Tom walked in the almost deserted hallway.

"What is he doing here? With you?" he asked out of pure jealousy.

"I don't see how that concerns you." Severus returned coldly.

"She's going out with me." Tom sneered at Severus.

" Really? I don't think so. I won't go out with people who treat my friends so." Lily said and Tom turned red with anger and then walked away.

"I told you he wasn't right for you." Severus grinned. 

--- 

And then Severus Snape woke up. He simply hated the memories and how much pain they could bring.

---

**An: To those who have noticed my grammar mistakes, I am sorry. I don't have much time to write and I have much less time to edit. Let me know if it gets too bad. Also, thank you LaurieLovesErik for the advice, I appreciated it. Please leave a review for the questions I asked above and because you want to get me feedback. Reviews are love, after all. **


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: I'm a bad girl and while I'm supposed to be updating my other stories, I'm updating this one... What can I say, I love Severus Snape... and this story is fun... in a sad kind of way... anyways, the song lyrics here are mine and mine alone... oh, which reminds me: disclaimer: I own nothing but this plot and the song that I intend on putting in here... This chapter might have more then one dream and a couple scenes with Harry and Severus... And possibly a scene with Harry and Ginny... hmm... actually, i have to think about that... who likes Ginny and Harry besides me... Let me know...  
**  
Severus Snape began thinking about Lily Evans/Lily Potter a lot. It was all because of those painful dreams. The dreams left him with an aching heart. He couldn't help it if he wanted Lily. He couldn't help it if he wanted her alive and well. He couldn't help it if he loved her. It wasn't his damn fault that fate decided to be cruel. But that's all his life had ever been. Cruel. It had always been cruel to him. He remembered when his filthy muggle father left him and his mother. His mother and father always fought. His father hated him. And who had been there to make him feel better, Lily Evans. But they had long since ended their friendship and she had long since ended her life.

'All for stupid Potter.' Severus thought. 'He was nothing brilliant. He was nothing special. Besides being the-boy-who-lived everything else he did needed to be supervised by Granger.' But Severus didn't believe that- well not fully. Harry was special. He just hated to admit it.

Severus fell asleep and he was taken back to one of the most painful memories he'd had. The only one worse was when he found out that Lily and James where dead.

---

_Do you remember  
When I feel asleep in your arms  
Do you remember  
_  
"Dead. Gone. NEVER COMING BACK!!!!" Severus practically screamed.

"Shh. It's going to be okay. I'm here, I promise. Just stay in my arms. I won't let a thing come near you." Lily said soothingly.

Severus's father had murdered his mother. He had put something in her drink, knowing that he didn't stand a chance against her wand. Muggle authorities had arrested him and locked him up.

---

_Do you remember  
When you told me  
That you'd always be there  
Do you remember_

"Lily I need you to promise me something." It was their third year and Severus was getting annoyed with all the looks people where giving him and Lily.

"Anything." She said staring into his eyes.

"Promise me you'll never leave me." He was almost begging.

"Never." That's all she needed to say. Severus's heart soured with love for Lily.

"Good."

---

_I was looking for something  
That can't be found  
Cuz its all gone  
Oh so gone_

"Do you think I can find my mother?" It was a couple weeks after Severus's mother had died. He missed her and looked to Lily for help.

"I don't know." She said, a little surprised. Severus didn't like to talk much about his mother.

Severus sighed. He needed more then that.

"Would she make the choice and turn into a ghost?" Lily asked quickly, seeing the pain on his face.

"I don't think so. She wasn't afraid of death."

"Hmm... I'll tell you what. The term is almost over and during the summer, we can look for her. If we can't find her then, we'll assume she's moved on and is much happier in a better place."

"Thanks, Lil."

---

_Leave it all behind  
Out of sight  
Out of mind_

"We searched all summer. I don't think she's a ghost." It had been an awful summer, mostly spent in search of a ghost who neither thought existed.

"Okay." Lily was secretly happy about Severus giving up. He needed to move on and she needed her best friend back.

They sat there laying in the grass for awhile. He head on his shoulder.

After awhile Severus broke the silence, "Lily, I'm moving."

"What?"

"I can stand being in this house anymore. I need to get out. I need to get it out of sight."

"Okay."

---

_Feelings hidden deep inside  
Give it time_

"You look great, Lil."

"Really, you think so?"

"I know so."

"Good. Then Edward will love me in it."

"Edward?"

"Yeah, silly. My boyfriend."

"Oh."

"I gotta go, he'll be here any minute.

"Bye."

Lily left.

"I love you. I wish I could make you understand."

---

Snape woke up remember more then one dream. He had cast a spell that made him remember several of his dreams. As much as it was killing him, remember everything he could about Lily was turning into an obsession.

He had woken up singing a song by the Weird Sisters. He had taken a strange liking to it and it was messing with his dreams.

_Do you remember  
When I feel asleep in your arms  
Do you remember_

Do you remember  
When you told me  
That you'd always be there  
Do you remember

I was looking for something  
That can't be found  
Cuz its all gone  
Oh so gone

Leave it all behind  
Out of sight  
Out of mind

Feelings hidden deep inside  
Give it time

Do you remember  
When I feel asleep in your arms  
Do you remember

Do you remember  
When you told me  
It would all be alright  
Do you remember

Just close you eyes  
Leave it all behind  
Give it time

Severus got up and started another awful day.

---

"You asked to see me?" Severus said, entering Albus's office.

"Yes." He said. "Had something been bothering you, Severus? You seem a bit out of it."

"Its just, as Potter gets older, I think of his mother more and more. I've been having dreams about our days at school. It's killing me, Albus."

"Why don't you tell me about these dreams."

So Severus shared with Albus some of his most secret and dearest memories.

---

_  
"_Why are you out of bed this late, Potter?" Severus demanded.

"I was just-" Harry began but Severus cut him off.

"I don't care. Detention. Next Saturday."

"Fine."

"You really are just like your father. Aren't you? Always breaking the rules. Always being stupid. You'd better wake up soon, Harry or you'll end up coming to an end just like him.

"You don't know a damn about my father!" Harry shouted.

"I know more about him then you think. Maybe even more about him then you. You seemed to think he was so sort of saint. But I know the truth. And don't talk back to me. Another Detention. Dear, dear. You are quite the father." Severus said coldly and walked away.

---

Later that evening Severus began thinking again.

Lily would have hated what I said to Potter. He never even knew his father and I told him how awful he was. I should have bitten my tongue. Lily would have hated what I did...

**AN: Thanks for the review; they are so inspiring. I hope you like this chapter. It was a lot longer and slightly harder to write. Hope this had a good dose of Lily/ Severus in it. Reviews are love!! **


	4. Chapter 4

AN: Hello to all who care to read this. I'm on a new laptop!!! Yay me!! Anyways, here's my daily dose of Severus. Anyways, this will either be extremely long or really short. I don't know…

Severus Snape was usually not a happy person; in fact, most people would make him out to be a miserable, cruel-hearted man. But that wasn't true. Well, not completely. But it was just cruel to say that he didn't have a heart at all. No one could understand how much he did. It's what turned his life around. It's what made him here, at this school, teaching these students and looking over the son of his long-lost-love-of-his-life. It's what made him bitter. It's what made him so miserable. It's what it so hard to cope with everyday things. Such as not being able to talk to his best friend/love of his life.

People are often cruel. And Severus was a master of it. He was also the master of sarcasm. He was actually a master of all things dark and miserable. But that's not all he was a master at. Severus out did every man with the way he loved. He loved with such desperate, such needy, such passion that no man could compete with her. Lily had always been the one thing he couldn't have. That made him want her even mo

He always said that he would fight for No matter what it took, he would fight and he would win. Somewhere deep down, he'd never given hope. That is, until she died. And if he wouldn't have dumbly followed the dark lord, if he wouldn't have been so stupid enough to believe that The Dark Lord would lead to something good, that it would take away the burning desires that were his heart, then the one thing that his heart had craved for almost all of his life would still be alive and well. She wouldn't be his, no she'd be his worst enemies, but she'd still be alive. She'd still be breathing and happy. And that was worth his happiness. That was worth life itself. His life- not hers.

Severus spent most of his weekend in his office, trying to fight off most of his thoughts. He did however, have a lovely visit from the-boy-who-lived. He was never kind to Harry and he knew he never would be. Past hatreds cursed them both too much for them to become some sort of friends but he but in a weird twisted way, Severus at least, enjoyed his company. It wasn't because he got to torment Potter to no end. In a way, Severus saw some of Lily. No, not in his personality, Harry was much too like his father but it was Lily's son. It was her blood that ran through his veins and her eyes that looked at him. Even if they were filled with hate, they were still her's.

So the detention came and went. The day came and went. The weekend came and went. Severus was becoming depressed. He wasn't like that normally. He could keep his cool. Forget about his past. Remember only the task at hand. Protect Harry.

Sleep was hard to come by but Severus was glad of it. He didn't want to wake up fighting tears all the time. Everything was painful. Everything about sleeping hurt him.

But eventually he had to sleep.

---

James and Severus were fighting again when Lily Evans walked outside the school to enjoy a nice cool breeze and sun sunshine. She stormed over and began to break them apart.

"Sev, come on. He's not worth it." She said to him.

"Go pick on someone else, you toad." She said to James.

"Aw, come on Evans. Don't be so harsh. Before you leave, at least give a kiss goodbye." Potter said. He was confident, too confident.

"In your dream and ONLY in your dreams."

"You know that it's all I dream about." He leaned in much too close to Lily, for Severus's taste, so that his lips almost touched hers.

Severus was close enough to hear that she gasped. She looked utterly surprised but she didn't seem to hate it.

"And in your dreams, too." He said before leaving.

"What the bloody hell was that?" Severus asked before he could stop himself.

"James being an ass." She stated although still a little out of it from being that close to James.

Severus was not happy. She was getting way to fond of Potter.

---

Severus Snape woke up to enjoy yet another awful day. What could be more fun? What could be better then living a whole life in misery? Anything. Anything could have been better then the hell that Severus went through each day but he was offered no love and no happiness. It was all he'd ever known, misery.

He didn't have class for another couple of hours and the year was quickly approaching a grand and unhappy ending. Of course, Harry Potter had done something heroic and had been deemed the hero of the school, again. It was getting old. Every year the same old shit happened. Every year. How about some change. Or a normal school ending? Could that ever happen?

Later that day he taught his classes. Everything was becoming extremely dull to him. He eat, he taught, he slept, and he felt misery. He really needed a hobby. Teaching had once been it but now he couldn't even count on that. Not with Potter there 24/7 to remind him of what he lost. Severus was a wreck and was in need for a holiday.

He had to remind himself that he could not wallow in self pity. He had to be strong. For Harry's life. For what would've made Lily, had she been alive.

Time for bed. Severus hated this. Maybe his body would decide he didn't need sleep and he could become some super-human freak. No, he'd never be that lucky.

---

"Death awaits the one that lacks." Severus said one night, after endless studying.

"You don't really believe that, do you?" Lily asked.

"Yes."

"What made you think of that of all things."

"Because we are going to get all O's on our OWLs. Therefore, death awaits the ones that are not us."

"Not being over dramatic at all, are we?" Lily said with a laugh.

"You need to take things seriously. It's a harsh world we are going to be entering in a couple of years." Replied Severus not at all in a joking mood.

"Sev, you've been studying for too long, maybe we should do something fun. Take a break. The OWLs aren't for another month. We can take one tiny break now, right?" Lily said. It was their fifth year and they had been studying endlessly for their test, Severus was going to do fine, the brilliant boy he was but he worried too much and Lily saw it as her job to make sure he relaxed and had a little fun.

"What could we do?" He asked, aware of how she was distracting him from studying.

"I don't know. Something you want to do. We always do what I want to do. Sev, I'll do anything you want."

"Anything?" He asked, he was almost begging her to say yes.

"Yes."

Severus leaned in, he was finally going to do it! He was going to tell Lily how he felt about her!! He was mere inches from her face, now. All he had to do was lean in a press his lips to hers. And that's what he did. He kissed her.

Lily was not expecting him to kiss her but she soon found herself kissing him back.

---

Severus woke up with tears streaming down his face. Lily and Severus had dated for about a month. Then he called her that retched word after being publically humiliated. If he hadn't called her a mudblood then she would have been his. His girlfriend. His girl. Maybe she would have married him. Maybe she would have loved him. Maybe their son would be the-boy-who-lived. Maybe it would be Lily's love for their son that would protect him from the Dark Lord.

But it wasn't. All because he fucked up! All because he hung around with aspiring death eaters for too long and they had started to rub off on him. And now look at what that's got him. Protecting her son, who looks exactly like the father that Severus hates; working at a school that won't give him the job that he's been dying to have; and living a life full of agony and learning to live with the consequences that came with his past wrongs.

It was midnight. He still had to go back to sleep. If he wanted to stay awake during classes he'd have to sleep another four hours, at least.

So Severus went back to sleep and back to the painful memories of the women he loves.

---

Lily had her head resting on Severus's shoulder. It was midnight and they had snuck out in order to have more time together. They knew they should be studying but they felt that they didn't see enough of each other.

They were by the lake. Severus had his arms around Lily and was enjoying just sitting there and holding her.

Most of Severus's friends had abandoned him since he had started dating Lily. They didn't like that he was dating someone who was not a pureblood.

A couple of Lily's friend's had protested but they did nothing more than that. Very few people knew about Lily and Severus being together. Lily had asked Severus not to say anything to James. She knew it would hurt him and she didn't want to cause pain. If James was going to find out, it was going to be on his own.

"You're quiet, Sev." Lily said breaking Severus out of his thoughts.

"I'm thinking." He said while looking down into her beautiful green eyes.

"About…?"

"You." He said.

"What about me?" She wasn't going to drop this and he knew it.

"How to tell you something." He said. He knew he was being difficult but he didn't know how to get it out.

"Tell me what?" She said nervously.

He looked at her. She had fear in her eyes. She was afraid that Severus was going to break up with her. Severus had to bite back a laugh. He WAS not going to break up with her.

"I love you, Lily." He said looking into her eyes.

Lily kissed him like she had never kissed him before and he kissed her back, loving her response.

"I love you, too."

"OWLs are in a week. We better get back. We need our sleep." Severus sighed. He would much rather spend time with Lily then study or sleep. But after the OWLs were over they would a lot of time together. The whole summer to spend with Lily. Nothing could bring happiness to Severus Snape better than that.

---

Severus woke up. This time he didn't fight back the tears. He needed to let it all out. He needed to let it go. Otherwise he was going to keep feeling sorry for himself like a worthless git. And Severus Snape was done being just that.

He went down to breakfast. His classes started in another hour. He eat quickly and then went to his classroom so he could prepare for his class.

The day was uneventful.

Severus knew he needed to find some way to keep Lily off of his mind. He knew that if anyone besides Professor Dumbledor and himself knew about his love for her there word be a lot to answer to. And Severus did not want to deal with that.

There was a knock on his door, later that night.

"Come in." Severus said. Anything to keep him busy was welcomed at that moment.

"Good evening, Severus. I have a message from Albus that you are to go to his office after dinner." Minerva said. They weren't exactly on good terms since their argument over Miss Granger.

"Can I ask you something? It is a little bit personal and you can chose not answer and I would be perfectly okay with it but if you did trust me enough to confine in me I'd be very please. May I ask you the question?"

"Very well." Severus said. He put a mask on his face to betray no emotion.

"Why have you been acting a little bit out of character lately? You've never seemed a happy person but you've never looked this miserable before. It's baffling me as to why you are so upset. If it was something I said I am deeply so but if not I'm deeply concerned about what might be going on with you. Severus, I consider you a friend. And as a friend, a concerned friend, I'm asking you to tell me what is troubling you so I may see if there is anything I can do for you."

"There is nothing that can be done. There is nothing that can change position. Thank you for your trouble but as it will not be needed, I'm assuming you have no need to be here anymore. Am I correct?"

"You are correct. If you wish me to leave then I shall but I'm still worried about you Severus. And I have my theories as to why you are in such a state." Minerva was determined to find out what was bothering him and, if she could, help him. For Severus Snape, although not the most generous man, was a good one. And if she heard correctly than it was his doing that led the Potter's into hiding. When the Potter's had been threatened he had changed sides. Minerva was no fool; she knew that Severus Snape cared for Lily Evans/ Lily Potter a great deal. During their time at school, they had been friends until a fall out of some sort in their fifth year. But he defied the Dark Lord, risking his own life for an old childhood friend whom he had not spoken to since their fifth year in school. That's not something you do. Minerva had a clue on why Severus had changed sides and if her theory was right, she respected him more than anyone she had ever known.

Little did Severus know how much Minerva knew. He watched her as she walked away thinking that she thought his "current state" was about his failed attempts to win the spot as Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.

Severus went to Albus's office at seven as instructed.

"You wanted to see me?" Severus said walking into Albus's office.

"Yes."

"Well, what is it?"

"Tell me more about these dreams you've been having. I rather think you need to talk about them."

So Severus told Albus the dreams he'd been having. After awhile, he returned to his sleeping chambers and went to bed.

Again Severus was faced with the torture of sleeping. He tossed and turned much of the night and then fell into an awful sleep full of dreams that reminded him of painful memories.

---

"I'm tired, Sev." Lily whined. They were outside by their favorite part of the lake. Where no one would interrupt.

"Then sleep." He said pulling her on top of him while holding her waist protectively.

"Sleep is good." She mumbled closing her eyes.

She laid like that for a little more like an hour but it seemed mere minutes to Severus.

When she finally stirred, she looked up in Severus's adoring eyes and kissed him.

Severus Snape had never been happier in his life.

"We have to study."

"I know the OWLs are in two days."

"Let's head for the library then."

Off they went.

---

**AN: This took forever to write!! I hope you like it! It's long… I feel bad… Severus is sooo miserable… I'm thinking of ways to make him happy. But I believe that his happiness is going to be bittersweet… Poor Severus… **


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: I know I haven't updated in awhile and I'm sorry but I had a family emergency and had to go away for awhile… Anyways this chapter will most likely be short… It's really sad to see Severus so miserable… Anyways reviews are love!!**

For Severus Snape summer was not a gift as it was to some. It was more like hell. He hated it and all the memories it had brought back to him.

When his mother had died after his first year out of school he moved back into the house that he had grown up in.

Now all the house was, was a constant reminder of what he had lost and had not protected carefully enough.

The house lay three doors down from where his dead ex-best friend had lived during her childhood. He had considered moving after she had died, telling himself that it was unhealthy to torture himself but in the end he had decided that since it was his own damn fault she was dead then he was going to suffer and bask in the misery. He was good at that, after all.

As the sixth year Severus Snape would have to watch over the clueless Harry Potter approached, things were changing. The dark lord was back and Severus was playing double agent. He was risking his life for a boy he hated but also a boy he loved. But he figured he would be happier dead, anyways so there was a win-win situation either way.

Severus had been forced to start taking medicine that took away his dreams. It was awful because dreams were the sub-conscience way of dealing with things but it kept away the dreams and made Severus less miserable.

The days ticked by, slowly but surely they were ending. Soon, Severus could return home. Soon, maybe the war would be over and he could stop having to look at the man that betrayed his friends and had lead to the death of Lily and James Potter or the monster that killed them. But that fate was left in the hands of one boy and that boy was, in fact, Lily and James's son.

So when it came time for Severus to return to the school it lifted his spirits greatly.

---

When he arrived at the school, Albus was waiting to talk to Severus. Both had things on their minds and both were very miserable.

Both hid their pain and their reasons extremely well but it came time to confess one secrets with another and both told what they had kept locked away all summer.

Harry was a fool as always, seemingly unafraid and unprepared for the awful times he had been placed in. Severus was determined to teach him what he needed to know. Harry would take down the Dark Lord or would die trying. Severus had finally gotten the job he had desired for and was going to use it to his advantage. He would, in fact, be in charge of what the students learned in defense of the dark arts and who was better to teach it then one who so clearly knew the dark arts and could use it well?

The days passed slowly for Severus Snape and the dreamless nights were beginning to drive him insane.

He taught well, teaching the students that the dark magic would never go away. They would only be able to keep it at bay. He looked at Harry when he said this. He hoped that he would learn this. His best was Defense Against the Dark Arts and he was very good at it and even when the teacher was a man he hated, he still paid close attention to it, eager to learn all that he could.

As the days and the weeks passed, things began to change more and more. First off, Severus Snape stopped taking the pills that made him dreamless and second off, darkness hung over the castle waiting for the right moment to strike.

Severus started having dreams again. They brought back painful memories but reminded him of what he fought for. He began to see them as both good and bad things.

---

Lily Evans was still not talking to him. He had begged and pleaded for days and nights on end but he had done something unforgivable. He had hurt her in a way that he could never take back and he had finally chosen a side. He was, in fact, one of the aspiring Death Eaters and that is what he would become. They both knew it now and they both had to deal with it.

It was the second day of their seventh year and Lily Evans was long over Severus Snape. Of course, Severus was still pining for her.

Severus walked out in the court yard. He was going to start studying. That's when he saw it.

James was sitting alone, reading a book. Lily walked up to him.

"Good morning, Potter." She said but not in a loathing way. Lily had been forced to tolerate James in their sixth year and had also grown to like him.

"Good morning, beautiful." James smiled.

"Why do you call me that?" She asked.

"I'm only stating the truth." He looked at her with an intense gaze. She did not break it but returned it.

After awhile of this heated looked, Lily looked away accompanied by a blush.

"Lily, can you do me a favor? Please?" He asked quietly.

"What?" She asked carefully.

"Can you call me James? I call you Lily and it would mean a lot to me if you could return the favor. We don't hate each other- or at least, I don't hate you and seeing as you started the conversation between the two of us you don't hate me completely and I find it more personal if we call each other by our first names." James actually looked nervous.

"Of course, James." Lily said with a sincere smile.

She looked uncomfortable and tried her best to say something but succeeded in only failing miserably.

"What's wrong?" James asked concerned.

"Nothing… I just wanted to… I have something to tell you."

"Ok…"

"I- I think my feeling have changed for you. Last year I hated you and then I tolerated you, which lead to me becoming friends with you and now, I think I like you."

James grinned and pulled her in for a hug.

Severus Snape ran out of the courtyard.

---

Severus woke up, knowing that he had gotten what he deserved.


	6. Challange

**This is only an authors note. Put please read this!! I'm starting a challenge and would like for you guys to participate. It's a Lily/Severus Challenge! Check out my profile for details. I need both judges and stories. This would mean a lot to me, thanks!!**


	7. Chapter 7

AN: I'm having a bit of writer's block. Hopefully this chapter will turn out good.

Minerva walked into the classroom. It was Severus's least favorite class to teach; it was also his most important. It was the sixth years. Potter's class. She smiled warmly at him. She had loved both James and Lily. Of course, she knew the side of James that Severus had never known. The side that had won over Lily.

"Professor Snape, when you are done may I have a word with you?" She didn't wait for answer. She expected him to be there. She knew he would be. For all Severus knew she could have important information regarding the order. Potter looked at her.

Severus glared hard at him. He should not meddle into things that ought not to be meddled in.

After class, Severus met with Minerva.

"You wished to speak with me." Severus said curtly. He was still not in a good mood.

"Yes, Severus I know your secret."

He stared at her blankly. "Whatever are you talking about?" He used his best acting skills to try and throw her off even though he knew he wouldn't.

"I know you loved Lily Potter."

"Lily Evans." He says bitterly.

"Severus, I know this must be hard for you-"

"Don't tell me you know anything about this. I can guarantee you don't." Severus looked her straight in the eyes, knowing that she couldn't say that she did.

"You are right." She sighed. "But if you ever need anyone, Severus I'll always listen. These are hard times and it's always nice to know you're loved."

"Thank you." Was all Severus said. He walked away. No more words needed to be said.

That night Severus Snape dreamed the most awful dream yet.

Severus was walking down the street when he say a familiar face, it had been years since he had seen her since they had graduated three years ago. But there in the flesh was Lily Evans.

He stared at her for awhile. Finally she looked up. Their eyes locked. She fought through the crowd to get to him.

"Severus Snape! Is that you?" She smiled. She looked incredible.

"Lily…" He was speechless.

"Yup. Lily, in the flesh." She joked.

"I haven't seen you in awhile." He stated stupidly.

"Nope. You want to go get some coffee and catch up?" She asked.

Severus got his hopes up. He forgot about The Dark Lords and his newly acquired Dark Mark. He forgot about it all. Lily was there. It was all going to be ok.

They spent the afternoon together. As friends, but still Severus was happy.

And that's when it happened. As they were leaving the shop, Severus got pushed into the door and his robes ripped. Lily was quick to help and then she noticed it. The Dark Mark.

"Severus…"

"Lily, I'm so sorry. I- I…"

"No. Stay away from me. Get the bloody hell away from me!" She screamed and ran away.

Lily Evans had ran away from Severus Snape's apologies yet again.

The next day in the newspaper, Severus saw an announcement for James and Lily's Wedding.

Severus woke up. That had been one of the worst two days in his life. He thought he couldn't feel much worse than that… But almost two years later he had been proven wrong. Severus just wanted it to end. All this stuff with The Dark Lord and how Severus had to kill Albus. He didn't know how he could do it…

The year passed slowly, dragging on as Severus watched Draco Malfoy attempt to do the job that he knew he would have to finish. Albus knew this, too.

Nights where the worse for Severus but somehow he stopped remembering the dreams, he just knew they were about Lily.

The fatal night finally came. Severus watched with an empty heart as he said the spell that killed Albus. He watched the whites leave his eyes and he knew Harry was there. He knew Harry was there. He watched as Harry cried over the body. Severus had a strange desire to want to explain it all to Harry. Harry was all he had of Lily… And now he not only hated Severus but the forced to be on different sides (or so it would seem to Harry).

He was thinking how he was going to miss Harry, not because he liked him, no he was much to like his father for that, but because he was his link to Lily or at least a part of her when Harry called him a coward. He saw the hate in Lily's eyes. He had to fight not to blow his cover. He walked away. Harry knew what he had to do. And now he had to do his.

Severus Snape knew the ending was coming soon. It was all going to be over soon. Severus hoped it would be the same for him.

AN: There you have it… I think this story will end in a chapter of two… Reviews are love!!


	8. Chapter 8

An: Sorry its been awhile… I've been busy…

Time passes. Harry Potter went missing. Severus hoped it was because he was trying not be found not because something had happened to him. His fate rested in Harry's hands. Maybe the boy would kill him. It would be fitting. Severus's life in the place of Lily and James.

Eventually, Harry and his friends were sighted and even captured but they always managed to escape. Maybe they really were as talented as everyone said they were. Maybe he needed to swallow his pride and admit he was wrong. He thought about it but he probably would never actually do it. He had issues with the whole admit-I-was-wrong-thing. He rather enjoyed being right.

The days passed slowly. The days were tiresome and nerve wrecking. When would this end? Why must I face the man that is responsible for the love-of-my-life's-death? He would ask himself these questions everyday. He'd get the same fucking response everyday. Its his fault. He was the mundane asshole who fell for the dark lord's trickery. It was him that followed blindly and believed that blood could determine things such as skill and talent. He was the one foolish enough to believe he was better because of his blood. And he wasn't even full-blooded.

Severus Snape stopped allowing himself to dream. He had thought it a bad idea to show such a weak side to a master so keen on control. It probably wouldn't help that he now dreamed of his own death and the savior of all things said master was dead set against.

Severus Snape. Now headmaster of the school that had once been his safe-haven. It was now his living hell.

He gave detentions with punishments so severe he had fight himself to give them. And Ginny Weasley didn't help matters too much either. He was supposed to hate her. But her red her and her firery spirit reminded him of Lily so much. Ginny could be mistaken for her daughter; but instead she was Potter's girlfriend. A fact he decided to keep to himself. Severus Snape had another secret to keep. He kept this secret for two reasons. One he knew Harry would come running if anything happened to her- Harry needed to save everyone not get his ass killed and two he couldn't see another Lily die. Yes she wasn't Lily. No he wasn't in love with Ginny. But the fact of the matter was that he couldn't let her get killed.

Severus Snape could never catch a break. His life sucked and it would always suck. No matter what, it would always suck.

Sometimes Severus Snape could just not believe how things turn out. Here he was dying. Looking into the eyes of the women he loved. Something in the back of his mind told him it wasn't her eyes; they were the eyes of her kin. But for the moment, they were her eyes. They were hers. And they were looking into his eyes. The way she used to. And he allowed himself to be happy. Happy. He was happy.

He wanted her to know. He wanted her to know. Before he died, he wanted her to know everything. He put his wand to his head and pulled out a memory. Actually, it was memories. He pulled out anything and everything. He wanted her to know.

He knew he was half mad and going insane but at the same time he didn't. His brain was dying faster than his body. He was fading in and out of conscious, driven half mad and body swelling with love. Severus Snape had finally been broken. But he had never been happier.

Life slipped away quickly but it felt like a lifetime. And when life finally left Severus Snape he left with bliss. He would finally be with Lily. His Lily.

AN: THE END!!! Good/bad????


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